interacting with instagram is work. it's not fun anymore. it hasn't been fun for a while. out here in LA it's basically linkedin, more useful for networking and hosting a portfolio than being a place to share snapshots of one's life.

tomorrow i'm going to see a show. i ordered myself a cheap laptop tote bag for work and a bunch of spike studs to make myself a bag for work. i am craving surface-level, in-person interaction. i don't want to go deep.

i'm a natural introvert with an extroverted personality. like a centipede, typically hiding but commanding attention when they appear.

new phone, new hair, new accounts, new persona, new journal, new usernames, new clothes, new classes, all on my mind at 9PM. i crave all of these things when it is too late in the night to do anything about it. it's easy to let tomorrow me take on the burden of change.

also! easy to journal when i'm actively avoiding other things!

my mood has been intense these past two weeks. i am more jealous and my emotions are sharper than usual. i'm craving the feeling of cleanliness, but less in the hot shower way and more in the denuding way. imagine sucking the meat off of a chicken bone.

alas. even while typing this i am staring at myself like yeah, we get it, you want to scour yourself clean until you become something completely new, can we go and make rice now?

nag champa incense, palo santo, a candle, red hawaiian salt, clear rum. i read tarot cards but not very well. when i do a reading for myself the cards have all of the subtlety of an airhorn (which is great for me but bad for learning nuance).

case in point, i tried to do a reading for myself and after fruitlessly trying a bunch of different layouts it finally occurred to me that i had skipped step one. i forgot to ask a question.

including today, i turn 30 in 120 days. it feels bittersweet. aging doesn't scare me; not everyone gets to grow old and i'm grateful for every year that i'm alive. what bothers me is that i feel like i've been talking about the same handful of goals for the past 8 years and haven't made any progress. i want to stream. i want to get in shape. i want to write. i want to kick these depression habits that i've been holding on to. and i don't want to enter my thirties without hitting these goals.

so i asked the cards: what is my first step?

okay so discipline, authority, structure. be methodical and systematic about achieving my goals. makes sense. so my first step should be adding structure and routine to my life. and! i need to have discipline. so then, i flipped over the deck to see the bottom card (habit picked up from the first time someone read cards for me) and

oh. ok. the card of transformation and profound change...

...so i'm going back to hot yoga this week.

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i can't remember how old i was (maybe thirteen?) when i created my own diaryland page. i used the shitty papyrus font, black text on white background, and wrote about my day. i was just a little baby blogger with her own space on the internet.

i remember being younger than that and learning basic html commands to customize my neopet's pet pages. i remember how i wanted to write something that would be on the neopian times, the in-universe newspaper of user created content selected by the staff. i wanted to be a writer for most of my childhood, i think.

i've been writing in fragments since then. i have a notes app full of things i'll never let anyone read, like any smartphone wielding citizen. i can tell that i'm not writing well though. i don't even read lately, so of course my writing muscles have atrophied.

anyways, to get my thought train back on track, this silly neocities page represents a lot for me. i am going back to the things that i used to enjoy as a kid so i can find out what kind of things i like now. and i'm getting writing practice, however terrible it may be.

and now! i will go to sleep. discipline! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧